The good guys - Part 4 - It places the lotion in the basket

Only one man has ever managed to say "it rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again" and sound cute. T. R. Knight of Grey's Anatomy. His character George is cuter than a basket full of whiskers on kittens. He isn't just in love with the girl that will never love him back, he admits out loud that he remembers the strappy sandals she was wearing the first time they met. He is good with babies. And old people. And young people. And nurses. Gorgeous women feel the need to fall into his bed after a bad day -- not for sex mind you, but to just snuggle up next to his cuteness and fall asleep. Because unlike every guy you know from university who said, "no it's ok, you can stay over, nothing has to happen, we can share the bed, I'm too tired to try anything *wink*" and next thing you know you are waking up with an erection shaped bruise humping your hip, hands hunting high and low and you gotta be...

Wait, this is my PG rated blog.

As I was saying you cuddle up with him after a bad day because George would never try anything like that.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, this man does not exist. This man could never exist. All laws of god and man and morning wood say that if anything he has to wake up humping the leg of a Katherine Heigl or Ellen Pompeo if they crawl into bed with him. We know he has a penis, he got syphilis on it from a nurse (that he actually apologized to because he was mean and broke up with her after he started itching). And any penis should rub against this if it is sleeping with him. Seriously. Seriously.

He was asking for it officer

I don't stalk people anymore. Much. Hardly ever. But I need to warn you Stroumboulopoulos if you insist on sitting there in your big belt buckle and your Adidas and point at the camera and say the word 'stock' (in reference to a piece about what one may stock in their bomb shelter) while I am sitting in front of the television and feeling quite proud that I decided not to stalk you, well, that is just you asking for it.

Forgiveness Revisited

To the little old lady who nearly ran me over yesterday:

I was planning to forgive you for almost running me over yesterday, because I thought you were leaving a matinee of Lord of the Rings - The Musical. I saw Lord of the Rings - The Musical. It was long. Real long. And some bits were a little strange. I do not wish to go further into my feelings on the production as I do not have any sort of training in musical theatre, I don't see live musicals very often, and I respect the effort it must take to mount a production of that size. I can say that it was long. Real long. And I thought when you nearly clipped me on John St. yesterday that you and your gang of blue-hairs were laying down rubber like that because you needed to get home for the next round of meds, not having anticipated the duration of the production.

Then I checked online. There aren't any matinees on Saturday, just Sunday. So today's application of my mythical time machine involves me returning to yesterday and giving you a gesture a little stronger than a smirk.

The good guys - Part 3 - Bad case of loving you

Dr. John Carter entered the ER on...ER some ka-jillion years ago and is still as cute as a freakin' button factory. Your Clooneys and Margulies' may come and go, but you remain, somehow retaining the sweetness that made us fall in love with you in the first place. We were mad for you when the veterans were mean to you. We were sad for you when they gave you the hotness of Thandie Newton, and used her to make you lose a marriage and a baby. We completely and totally pledged our allegiance to you when they made you read the goodbye letter from Mark Greene.

You are too cute to live. You must be removed from the planet earth. No super hot, super rich, super nice, super sweet guy like you exists, and even if he did he would not toil away in an ER for an eon. He would leave, and find a nice girl on The Bachelor or something. You are the worst character ever conceived for the television, if only because you are too perfect.

The good guys Part 2 - Hail to the Chief

Your last girlfriend really did a number on you. You knew you shouldn't have dipped your pen in the company ink. At first the only thing you had to hide from your colleagues was the fact that you were tappin' that - then you had to hide evidence that she may have possibly tried to destroy the water supply need to sustain the remains of your entire civilization. You didn't have to hide that for long though, she revealed her duplicity by pumping a couple of rounds into the boss in front of many witnesses. After she was killed in a very Jack-Rubyesque fashion you thought you had finally managed to wash that girl right out of your hair.

You were wrong. She came back, looking just as cute as ever, apparently in love with another man, and pregnant with his child. But it's not really her, it's just her evil space twin - who has memories of loving you.

So what do you do when you hear that the evil twin of your evil dead ex-girl is about to be sexually violated during a "routine interrogation"? Do you toast her humiliation with your homemade moonshine? Line up to take a turn? No sir, because you are a good guy, so you march yourself right down to that holding cell and kill that man with your bare hands even though you know you might be tried and put to death for treason.

Ladies, this man does not exist in real life. If you watch Battlestar Galactica and you have a crush on Chief Petty Officer Tyrol, remember this is Science Fiction. Emphasis on the fiction. In real life if you met a man who would let you put him through all of this and still kill for you, odds are he wouldn't look like this.

The good guys - Part 1

I am starting a series about fantasy men from television. I'm not talking about a Remington Steele, or a Dr. Doug Ross. I'm talking about the super sweet, super nice, super smart, super thoughtful, secretly-in-love-with-the-best-girl-friend guy from tv. He's the real fantasy man. The hot guys that will bag you, shag you and never look back are a dime a dozen, but that cute puppy dog that loves you from afar and is waiting for you to notice him doesn't really exist in real life. The men on TV are generally hotter than your average man. So that means that a real world version of Jim from The Office, or George from Grey's Anatomy will likely look more like this and less like this.

TV lies. It's like a man that way.

So look for my next post, I will be starting with my favourite puppy dog / knuckle dragging grease monkey, the Chief from Battlestar Galactica. He sweats! He emotes! He grieves his evil toaster ex-girlfriend!